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The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.
If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
20 Things to do Before You Die...1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"
There was a cat with 16 lives. A 4x4 (jeep) ran it over, And the cat died.
Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.All I did was take a day off.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
Thank god for nipples. Without it, boobs would be pointless.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Say 'addicted' after everything I ask:What is someone who does drugs?What is someone who drinks?What hit you in the face last night?Addicted
I have a few jokes about unemployed peopleBut it doesn't matter none of them work
It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.
How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.My next crap could spell disaster.
There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod...
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands...^ I love telling that joke, it never gets old.
Why did the jelly bean go to university?He wanted to be a smartie! Kick ass if you get it! :)
I went to Premature Ejaculators Anonymous but nobody was there.I guess I came too soon.
Why can't a bike stand on it's own?Because it is two tired.
Hotel manager: SOMEBODY PEED IN MY ELEVATOR!!Employee: Damn, that's wrong at so many levels.Kickass if you get it! :3
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
Enough with the cripple jokes!...I just can't stand them.